Tuesday, November 3, 2009

More Greif



I didn't say anything here about my cat Mita leaving home Monday night and not returning. She wenr outside with our dogMonday night but didn't return. We found her two roads away from here Wednesday afternoon. In the last couple weeks she started loosing weight so we surmised she had gone off to die. When we found her she was sitting next to a pontoon boat hissing at a dog. It rained heavily while she was gone but she looked fine and I was relieved.

By Thursday she stopped eating and drank very little and began to stumble and loose the use of her hind legs. I tried to hold her in my lap which she used to crave but she would retreat to a corner. On Saturday she changed her tune and wanted to be near me constantly so I abandoned just about everything to be with her.

And I've cried and cried and cried. We buried her last night.

I've realized these last days that Mita has been the one constant, unconditional, loving, devoted, humorous companion in my life for 13 years. My world has gone to Hell and back a few times but she was always there.

We had little routines that measured our day. Most mornings I opened my eyes to see here staring at me. If she wasn't there I had slept in late and she was waiting at the end of the hall for me. As soon as she spotted me she started meowing AND WOULD NOT STOP until I had poured my cup of coffee, retrieved my yogurt, and sat in my wing chair with my legs on my ottoman and an oblong pillow across my lap. She was on the ottoman trying to position herself before I sat my coffee on the wicker table next to my chair. Most mornings she licked the yogurt from the lid, then stretched out across the pillow. She'd stay there until I got up - which always seemed to be too soon for her.

If I spent too much time at the computer she'd jump on the keyboard, turn to face me and give me a distinct meow. She usually followed me to the mailbox and ran to greet me when I opened the door after being gone. At dinner time she sat by my chair begging for pieces of meat.

When my friend Nancy died and I cried a lot, she came up to me one day and wiped the tears, first with her right paw, then her left. That made me smile.

If I stopped petting her before she'd had enough attention, she'd give me a tap with her right paw. If I neglected to clean the litter box since she or Kitty Kitty had last used it, she'd sit in front of it and meow loudly.

About 10 p.m. each night she'd go to our bed and curl up at the foot of my side. If I stayed up past 2 p.m. she'd come looking for me. When I crawled in bed she nuzzled my neck, I'd say good night and she'd take her place at my feet.

When my ex and I split I didn't take Mita with me - being as I was living in my car then. My Dad said Mita wandered the house looking for me and laid on my side of the bed until my ex got in it. I got a good chuckle over that story! Months later, when I picked her up, she jumped into my arms and hung on for dear life. Mita had been declawed years ago but somehow she clung to me and shrieked when I tried to put her down. Those days were another tear jerker.

I've felt lost these last days knowing she was dying. And last night, I dreaded going to bed. Today, I feel at loose ends. We planned to stay home and work on the bathroom but I could barely stand to be here. After breakfast I looked at Sweetie and said, "I cannot stay here right now."

Thank God, he's a sensitive and wise man. We drove to my Dad's and took down his flagpole, mailed a package and got gas. But still I ache. I'm avoiding my wing chair but keep walking to the kitchen slider to look out across the yard at her grave.

And now I have to go because I cannot see to type.

15 comments:

Kymber said...

oh Treesong...i feel your pain! it is so devastating to lose a dear and cherished life-companion. it hurts so much to lose them.

Mita is in Heaven right now and the Lord and Jesus are watching over her. she feels no pain and no age and she is scampering about like a kitten. the children in Heaven love to play with her. the little puppies in Heaven are driving her batty! but she is healthy and loved and happy! i promise!!!

i had 2 baby kittens born right on my lap by my cat Tassirina whom i had lived with for 6 years between the ages of 20 and 26. Tassirina died of a brain tumour when the babies were 6 weeks old. Tassirina used to bring the babies out of the birthing box to cuddle at my neck and then she would go on a tare up and down the stairs and all through the house while the babies and i slept. i can't even look at pictures of Tassirina anymore. i kept precious care of her babies for 11 years...the first baby went off and never came home. i have no idea what happened to Anastassja (stasha for short!). it breaks my heart that i didn't hold her while she died. Tassirina's other baby - Anatolijya (Tolly for short!) went in a similar way to Mita - she stopped eating and drinking, lost a bunch of weight - we took her to the vet and after many tests - they diagnosed full-on kidney failure. they told me her quality of life would be brutal...she would need several injections a day to keep her hydrated. i held her in my arms as she went to sleep. she purred and cuddled me. it broke my heart. i thought that my heart would never heal Treesong!

until my neighbours asked me if we would take their cat Karol (named after a famous Polish King) as they were returning to Poland and did not want to inflict quarantine measures on him. i took Karol and promptly named him Barrel because he is shaped like a barrel - very round but what a good mouser! and then one xmas night - a little stray cat with frost-bitten ears appeared (we have 2 cat doors and it seems that Barrel brought the little guy home with him) - that little stray was promptly named Doobie, Noobie, and then Noodle.

both Barrel and Noodle give me great joy. but i still long deeply for my 3 girls.

the hurt and pain will fade. the best thing to do in this situation is to love Kitty-Kitty as much as you can and perhaps search craigslist and the newspaper for free kittens.

loving a new pet, in honour of a loved-one who passed, is the best way to heal.

(i am sorry if this comment is way too long and mushy. but your post really touched me.)

Anonymous said...

And I can't read for the tears. I am so sorry. I know how it is to lose a constant companion who is so giving of unconditional love and support (in their own way). There is nothing in the world like unconditional love from them and they don't ask for much and what they ask for is therapy for us , too. Again, I am so sorry.

deafnsmart said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will feel some comfort, soon.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear sweet lady!! I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Many people can't understand it but I can assure you I do. When it gets bad for me ( and it has been almost 10 years!!) I try now to think of what I would have done without him in our lives and how sad it would have been if he had not been. Then I think ok... this is his way of letting me know he is still thinking of us and reminding us he is waiting for the day when we can reconnect and get to know each other again!! Look up and read Rainbow Bridge. I do believe that like the human loved ones in our lives we will be reunited someday because it would be an absolute waste of heart energy to place an animal loved one in our lives not too. My tears are for you now!!! Just know its ok friend!! Cry the tears you need to and then when you are good and done smile with the wonderful memories she gave you, look up and smile and send a Thanks I miss you up her way!!
Hugs to you!

Florida Mom

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Lady,
My heart goes out to you very very much. I have always had an affinity for animals and people used to say that they were sure they were communicating with me. My cats or dogs were very protective and would attack if they thought my security was at risk or my life. To say they love unconditionally is truly an understatement. To say that they could teach humanity to feel and love is just the tip of the ice berg. I have cried many a tear for my lovelies and when I am down I still cry for them.

Mita was a cat that felt the depths of your love. What she gave you is only her returning what you had given her. Your unconditional love. She left this world with you in her heart and her heart in you. What a wonderful person you are Treesong. If you had not been the type of person you were then she would not have been with you. She could feel your love, loyalty, strength and compassion. She in return showed you the same. Remember the special moments and yes there will be the tears but soon oh very soon there will be a smile of the joys she gave.

Take care my friend and we will be praying for you.
Marlene

Yukon Mike said...

Treesong, I'm sorry for your loss. I am a pet owner or actually my pets own me and understand how attached you get to them. Just remember your cat had a good life with you and you with it, can't ask for much better than that.

2 Tramps said...

I am so sorry for all you have gone through with the loss of your dear Mita. Yes, a pet is such a special part of our lives. Wishing you peace as you slowly push away the pain and sadness and your heart fills with the wonderful memories of a life well spent for Mita.

HermitJim said...

My friend...nothing I can say will ease the pain, but just know that I am hurting with you just reading this post!

My two roomies mean the world to me, so I can appreciate the loss you feel.

I'm sorry for your loss!

MEB said...

Treesong, I wish you could adopt the beautiful drop-off cat that wants to adopt me. I can't take it in because of alergies. I wish I could. She lives right around my house and under my RV. Realy sorry for you and the sad cat that needs someone like you to care for it.

molly said...

TS I am sorry for your loss. Losing our pets is like losing one of our family members, it hurts.

Did it MY way said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Time will heal, and memories will be kept.

God Bless

Anonymous said...

((((((((((((((Treesong)))))))))))))

There's a cyber hug for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. :o(

K

Anonymous said...

I bet she's watching you right now curled up on God's lap saying "don't be sad Mom, I'll see you again someday"...praying for you and your family, Mrs Mills

Bustednuckles said...

Aww, my dear lady,my it hurts.

I have a cat that I was given when it was so small, it slept in my palm before it's eyes changed color and two years later, I lost her for two months, right after I just paid two hundred and twenty bucks to have her fixed and get her shots.
Some really nice lady kept feeding her even though she would not get close enough to grab. One day, the ladies daughter snagged her, found the tag from the vet and they gave her my phone number.


I feel your loss.

The little shit just ran up onto the bed and is waiting for some love.


They make more cats every damn day, just not yours.

My condolences.

My advice is to wait a couple of months and ask around, someone will have your next little Baby.

You will be surprised at how much fun a kitten can be.

An Unsheltered Life said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Treesong. I'm a fellow cat lover, and have lost fur babies before - it hurts so much, especially when you run into part of the daily routine that includes the one who's now gone.