Saturday, February 4, 2012

When All Else Fails

It's too easy to get discouraged in today's world.

The headlines and talking heads are full of insanity, greed, killing, war, ignorance and lies.

What passes for entertainment on television is designed to dumb us down, IMHO.

Add to the mix family dynamics, petty gossip, navel gazing morons who have no consideration for anyone else and it's one big headache.

Dropping out of the mainstream, retreating to 40 acres in no man's land and living under the radar can keep some of it at bay.

But, we're all really connected to one another. If not, we wouldn't survive. If we don't have a partner or kids or grandkids or siblings there's still plenty of people we interact with - even if sporadically.

This week has been my turn at the grief/misery millstone. No matter what, I'm reaping the results of past decisions and the wrath of a few family members - all who have similar histories but somehow pay more attention to mine.

Last night, as I was about to turn the computer off, I checked messages one last time. One was from my youngest son asking me not to be angry for what he had to say & please, always love him no matter what he did.

Of course, I read on.

Thankfully, he was still online & I kept him talking long enough for someone else to get to him. I have not slept since & I've done a lot of crying, blaming myself, begging, praying and staring into space.

For those of you who believe, I would appreciate your prayers. My son is still here tonight but the thread is thin.


HossBoss said...

You have my prayers, Treesong. Maybe your son reached out to you because he recognized the strength that has enabled you and Sweetie to pursue a life beyond your current circumstances. May the Father's love embrace and sustain all of you.

Ellen said...

You and your son will be in my thoughts. He has a strong, loving Mama, and the fact that you kept him talking until help could arrive may make all the difference.

Anonymous said...

You checked your email 'one last time' for a reason. You helped when he needed help.
We are all responsible for our own decisions , no one else.
Hugs to all and good thoughts coming your way.
Today will surely seem brighter for all.
He has lived longer without you raising him than with you raising him. Life changes people.
Don't give up...sounds like he needs you now.And was asking for you help. B.

Ellen said...

I don't know what is going on with your son nor should I guess as we are strangers.
But I know it is serious and you are worried.
If I think and I can every once in awhile, it brings me to what I always told my kids.
Don't make that decision wait and see what tomorrow brings and that there is nothing abosolutely nothing worth doing something that changes more people's lives than just yours. And even if tomorrow isn't perfect or brings an answer then wait till the next day.
I was once a teenager and had those harmones that make you where you don't know what is going on. And as a women have had every known harmone attitude changing cycle known to mankind. Had illness that put the skids to my body and thinking. Had loved ones that went through life changing disabilities.
But through it all I knew that tomorrow could and would be better even if it was just getting through it.
Our choice should always be to look forward to a tomorrow. It may bring things that we don't want to deal with or think about, but tomorrow should always be our hope.
We should always look towards a tomorrow and many of them.

Anonymous said...

I will keep you all in my prayers

Craig Cavanaugh said...

Got y'all covered Tree. Hope everything works out okay.

Anonymous said...

Our prayers are with you and yours.
A candle is lit.
May healing begin.

Kyddryn said...

Hugs, Mizz Treesong.

For what it's worth, in my experience suicide is not about the desire to die. It is about not wanting to live this way any more but seeing no other way out. It is what is perceived to be the only way to end the hurt.

Even when attempting to walk through that door, we reach behind us, hoping that there's something we can grasp to help us hang on a little longer. I'm gad you were there to fling him a rope.

Y'all are in my thoughts with much love.

Shade and Sweetwater,